*Self-Harm Trigger Warning* Darkness Falls
Welcome!
So I’ve been struggling with sleep the last week. It sometimes feels like a never-ending battle although I know it will pass. I have been keeping as busy as possible during the day, however, when darkness falls I have started to become almost fearful of what lies ahead. Practises of meditation and listening to Headspace podcasts help a little at the moment but I will keep on keeping on.
So many racing thoughts but the one playing on repeat is that of utter despair. How I’ve felt quite recently. And the consequences of my rapid decline. Then the overwhelming guilt, shame, etc.
Just over a week ago my world began to feel very small, extremely lonely, and incredibly dark. A plethora of uncertainties, anxiety, and stressful situations was enough to just topple me. My mind could not take anymore.
Stupidly, I turned to alcohol to numb myself. To forget. To just be able to pass out and sleep.
The breaking point was inevitable with or without alcohol. I guess the alcohol just speeded up the process and the result? A smashed phone, enough tears to drown in, blooded legs, and the absolute humiliation of realising I’d put my trust in the wrong people.
I reached out. Alone, scared, inconsolable. Wishing I wasn’t here.
But I am here and taking every day as it comes. It’s difficult, I won’t lie. But I am trying.
If you need to reach out then do so with no expectations because it’s those expectations that can leave you feeling foolish. If someone turns their back on you know that this is a reflection of that person and not you.
You are not bad, or crazy.
You are simply unwell.
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